Wednesday, August 31, 2011

So long, and thanks for all the fish

It has been a while since I started this blog. My first post was on June 26th last year, and I originally imagined that it would be a series of book reports written as I tried to mine a little happiness from each book that I ready. It started out like that, but quickly became a place for me to let out a bit more of myself, as much as I felt comfortable in posting.

It helped. Writing a weekly blog helped me to focus a little, gave me an outlet for my writing, and enabled me to vent. It let me feel that people were hearing me, and it also let me contact a lot of other bloggers going through similar issues. In no particular order, I enjoyed reading the blogs of and interacting with, in no particular order, CID, Susan, Jen, 4-Lorn, Lil, Stephi, Nick, In The Pink, Snowbrush, Up The Mountain, Anonymous, Wendy, and many others who have dropped by my blog over the months to post, or simply to read. It has been nice knowing that people were out there, people going through comparable experiences, or at least prepared to lend an ear or a shoulder to someone going through a rough time.

When I was first starting this blog I read a number of different blogs about depression, and I was frustrated by the way many of them seemed to only last for a post or two, or gradually trail off, or change topics to something less focused on depression or mental illness. I was in the grips of one of my worst bouts of depression, and I wanted to read about others who were in that state also.

But in the last few months I have come to understand why that happens with so many blogs. There is only so much to say. There is only so much it is beneficial to go over. And there is only so much that is safe to say online. As Stephi noted before, the internet can be a wolf in sheep's clothing, and it can be easy to let too much out.

But aside from the internet and related issues, the more I think about this blog and its focus of fighting depression, the less productive it seems to me at this point. The focus on fighting depression seems to me now like a man drowning in quicksand focusing on thrashing around and hitting the sand that traps him. It doesn't help him get out, and can drag him in deeper. Instead, it is better to focus on whatever lifeline is available. Dealing with depression is a part of my life, and I suspect that it always will be. But it can't be the focus of my life. That seems counter-productive, and my heart isn't in this blog anymore.

So I think I've said all I have to say on this blog. Thanks again to all of you who have spent time reading it, and my best wishes to you all. I think I'll close with a couple of words from Henry Rollins that have helped me.

Give your self a break from self-rejection,
Try some introspection,
And you just might find,
Its not so bad and anyway,
At the end of the day, all you have is yourself and your mind.
--Henry Rollins, Low Self Opinion


  1. Aww. Sorry to see you are going, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing for you. All the best to you and good luck on your journey.
    x Pixie

  2. I will miss your posting TDR. But I also understand why you are doing it. I wish you all the best and hope you find some relief from your depression.
    "at the end of the day, all you have is yourself and your mind" ...why is that not a comforting thought lol
    Yours truly,
    In the Pink

  3. We in the madosphere will miss your input TDR. I wish you well in all things. Keep reading and writing xx

  4. I'll miss you, TDR. Best wishes.

  5. I wish you all the best, TDR! You are a smart man, and I think you have the insight to know what is right for you to do. So if it is time for you to move on now, then do so, but know as well, that you will be missed. I really enjoyed reading your blog, ever since you created it, and I do hope you keep it online, so others can learn from your wisdom and experiences. Please don't hesitate to visit my blog if you ever like to. I don't like to lose friends ;)

  6. Thank you all for your messages, and for reading over the many months I wrote this blog. I plan to leave the blog online for the time being. My best wishes to you all, and to everyone out there going through a tough time due to mental illness. It is tough, but we can endure.

  7. Too bad your going TDR, I will miss your intelligent musings!.You are one of the best blog writers that I have come across and I want you to know that you have a real talent with words. I hope that you will triumph in your battle against the big black dog. As you live in Japan, your blog has also been inspiring to me in many other ways ( I hope to live there one day for a little while- tell me I'm crazy!). Thanks for all your imput on my blog, it is greatly appreciated!!. I wish you much happiness, success and love in your life- I have faith that you will go far :)

  8. Thanks for dropping by Stephi. I wish you all the best for the future too, and thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate them.

  9. TDR,
    I want to thank YOU for contributing to my blog and for all your supportive comments. I'm saddened to read your goodbye post but I have a visceral understanding of why you stopped. I too have not posted in a while mostly due to an uneventful spell. I always fear I'm boring the reader so sometimes it's best not to post at all. I do hope you reconsider some day. Again, many thanks for your kind thoughts. Take care brother.

  10. I've only just started reading your blogs but they're very insightful and hopefully they will remain where they are for others to read for years to come. Best of luck!

  11. Hi 4-Lorn,
    Thanks for your kind words. I do check back in on this blog occasionally. As for your blog, it is natural enough to second-guess yourself, but your posts are anything but boring. Your most recent one about ECT was moving, and I hope you do try it eventually, it seems that you don't have much to lose, and you might gain something from it.

    Hello Beating Depression,
    Thanks for that. I am glad you found my blog useful. People do still seem to be reading it, so I don't have any plans to take it down for the moment. I know that I really benefited from reading the blogs of other depressives, and if someone feels even a little less alone through reading about my experiences it is worth leaving it up.

  12. "the more I think about this blog and its focus of fighting depression, the less productive it seems to me at this point."

    I find that writing helps, but I can see how it might have the reverse effect too. Never forget though, that your blog need not be just about you and your problems, it's also a way of connecting with other people and being there for them. I do miss you.

  13. Hey TDR,
    I just decided to follow you, and you haven't posted for a while now, happy to see that your last comment is only ten days ago. Very meaningful blog you have!
    As you must know - since you posted on my blog and welcame me on Blogger, thanks a lot for this - I'm a book writer, the work is now available and I hope (if you ever purchase it) it will make you feel special things.
    Don't stop the blog man!

  14. Hi Snowbrush,
    Writing does help, for sure. I've found other outlets, both in terms of writing and real-world activities and given that TDR was focused on depression I decided it was best to simply let it go. I check back in from time to time, but I spend a lot less time thinking/reading/etc about depression these days and more on trying to do things in real life.

    It is still a struggle, but I think it is healthier. That said, this blog was essential for me for a long time, and I'm glad I wrote it. More than that, I'm glad of the contributions that you and many others made, I can't thank you enough.

    Hello Jack,
    Thanks for following and your kind comments - I'm not planning to blog anymore, but I wish you all the best for your writing.

  15. For some people writing serves a purpose. For me, it's more a case of writing being its own purpose. I simply can't imagine NOT writing.

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  17. nice lyric of Henry's, I like his music too

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    Depression truly ruined a great part of my life, twenty years worth. However treatment can help one get out from under the black cloud of depression so as to enjoy the sunny blue skies again.

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  21. I've bumped into this blog a couple of years too late. Looking at your last post date. Which is a real shame. My little diary has changed massively since I started it, which I hope goes to show how much better off I am. We find what we need when we need it. I find the blogs that don't move forwards tough. I want to be part of and share the journeys of those moving forward :-) If you read this I hope all's well with you.

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